Mtoto: Mwalimu mimi nataka
nisome darasa la
nne kwani hili la3 halinifai.
Mwalimu: Kwa nini unasema
hivo?
Mtoto: Nina akili...
Basi mwalimu kamueleza mkuu
wa shule na
mkuu kaitisha interview kwa
dogo.
Maswali ni haya....
Mwalimu: Kwenye ndege kuna
matofali 20
tukitoa moja tukalidondosha
chini yatabaki
mangapi?
Dogo: Yatabaki 19.
Mwalimu: Nipe hatua za
kumuweka tembo
kwenye friji.
Dogo: Unafungua friji unamuweka
tembo kisha
unafunga.
Mwalimu: Nipe hatua za
kumuweka nyani
kwenye friji.
Dogo: Unafungua friji unamtoa
tembo
ulemuweka..unamueka nyani kisha unafunga
friji.
Mwalimu: Kuna sherehe ya siku
ya kuzaliwa
kwa simba, wanyama wote
wameenda kasoro
mmoja. Ni nani na kwa nini?
Dogo: Ni nyani kwa sababu
tumemuweka
kwenye friji.
Mwalimu: Bibi kizee amevuka
mto unaokuwaga
na mamba na viboko wakali,
aliwezaje?
Dogo: Aliweza kwani mamba na
viboko nao
walienda kwenye sherehe ya
kuzaliwa kwa
simba.
Mwalimu: Ingawa bibi kizee
alivuka mto,
baadae alikufa. Unadhani kwa
nini?
Dogo: Alidondokewa na lile tofali
tulotoa
kwenye ndege na kutupa chini.
Mwalimu mkuu: Huyu dogo
akasome chuo
kikuu ....����✋
Friday, 30 January 2015
Mtoto ana akili huyo
My computer icon
An arabi officer working in HO rings�� the IT guy,
"My internet is not working properly."
IT guy:
"Ok
Double click on "My computer"
Arabi:
"I can't see ur computer��"
IT guy :
"No no
click on "My computer" on ur computer."
Arabi:
"How can I click on ur computer from my computer?"
IT guy :
"Listen
There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on ur computer. Double click on it."
Arabi:
"What the hell��, what is your computer doing on my computer..?"
IT guy :
"Double click on ur computer."
Arabi:
"On which Icon i've to click?"
IT guy :
"My Computer"
Arabi:
"Walah habeebi......Mushkila
Tell me where is ur cabin. I'll come there and click on ur "Computer."����������
����
Stop asking many questions
Hmmm Nawa For all those rich people ooo. I went to see a frend from a very rich family. The maid approached me & asked.
MAID: What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?
ME: Tea pls.
MAID: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, kericho gold tea, bush tea or green tea?
ME: Ceylon tea pls.
MAID: how do u want it, black or white?
ME: White. ...
MAID: Milk or fresh cream?
ME: With milk.
MAID: Goat milk or cow milk?
ME: Cow’s milk.
MAID: Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
ME: Uhm, lemme go with d freezeland cow.
MAID: Would u like it with sweetner, sugar or honey?
ME: Sugar.
MAID: Bee sugar or cane sugar?
ME: Cane sugar
MAID: White, brown or yellow sugar?
ME: Abeg, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water...
MAID: Mineral, tap or distilled water?
ME: Mineral water.
MAID: flavored or non flavored?
ME: Infact get me an empty glass!
MAID: Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?
ME: Abeg, free me, I go swallow my spit..."
Thursday, 29 January 2015
Whats up
Demu: Unafanya Kazi gani?
Jamaa: Unaifahamu Whatsapp?
Demu: Hapana, nini?
Jamaa: Ni Kampuni kubwa sana duniani yenye wateja wengi sana, zaidi ya milioni 300. Sasa mimi ni Admin wa Magroup kama matano hivi pale Whatsapp.
Demu: Wow!!! Darling kumbe we mtu mzito hivyo jamani
Soma hii na mjifunzee
Soma hii na mjifunzee
Baba John katoka safari zake mbio mbio na kuingia ndani kwake,kamkuta mkewe kakaa mkewe akamuuliza vipi mbna leo mapema na upo na haraka hivyo,
Mume:Akajibu jiandae tuende kwenye msiba mama kafariki.
Mkee:Heeee mm siwezi kwenda kwenye msiba mpaka nitengeneze nywele siwezi kwenda na nywele chafu akaondoka kaenda saloon katengeza baadae karudi na kumuuliza mumewe
Mke:Hivi mama mkwee kwani alikuwa anaumwa nn mpk mauti inamkuta?
Mume:Mama hajafariki nimetoka kuongea nae sasaivi
Mke:Jamani ww si umeniambia nijiandae twende kwny msiba mama kafarikia au?
Mume:Ndio lakini aliefariki ni mama ako.
Mwanamke akaanza kulia na kupiga kelele na akamwambia mumewe baba fanya haraka twende niwai mazishi hawatanielewa nisipo onekana mwanamume nae akamjibu subili niende kunyoa nywele siwezi kwenda na nywele za hivi ������
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Mental Hospital
In a "Mental Hospital", a journalist asked the Doctor: How do you determine whether to admit a patient or not?
Doctor: Well, We'd fill a bathtub with water and give the patient a teaspoon, a glass and a bucket ask them to empty the bathtub. Depending on what they use to empty the bathtub, we would determine whether the patient was a normal person or whether to admit.
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger so it empties faster.
Dr: "No, A normal person would pull the drain plug!! Please go to bed No.38; We will start further investigations"...
You also thought about the bucket didn't you?..... please go to bed 40�� because I am on bed 39...
Hurry up and forward there are many more free beds available...
The phone bill
The phone☎ bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone
Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.
All of them shocked and together looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them.
Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal??
��
Memory card
Ndugu zangu...
Tunaombeni dua zenu,muda huu kuna mtoto wa jirani amemeza memory card yenye gb 16,mpaka sasa navyowandikia msg hii amekua akiimba miziki masaa matatu mfululizo sasa,hatujui litakalo fanyika akifika kwenye folder za video!!!
WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT!!
WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT!! ��
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....
*************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started....
***************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol pump
And then the fight started....
***************************
My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's perfect.'
And then the fight started....
***************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I've not been in a long time."
So I took her to the kitchen.
And then the fight started....
***************************
Dedicated to all married couples.. But don't send to all
I sent to my friend. He sent to his wife and then the fight started
******************************
Mazuzu bwana, ni shida
Pastor -"How come ur wife can't control you?"
ZUZU quietly replied, "it's my wife who told me not to move"
Tuesday, 27 January 2015
Monday, 26 January 2015
Maneno ya kitekinologia ya kiswahili
kiswahili kitamu sana jamani,mmenielewa hapo?
Heavy rains remind us of challenges in life.
Never ask for a lighter rain, just pray to God for a better umbrella. - That is the attitude!
Life is not about finding the right person, but creating the right relationship. It's not how we care in the beginning, but how much we care till the very end.
Some people always throw stones in your path. It depends on what you make with them; a Wall or a Bridge? - Remember you are the architect of your life.
Search for a good heart, but don't search for a beautiful face, coz beautiful things are not always good, but good things are always beautiful.
It’s not important to hold all the good cards in life, but it’s important how well you play with the cards you hold.
Often when we lose all hope & think this is the end, remember God and pray, it’s just a bend, not the end.' -
Have faith and have a successful life.
One of the basic differences between God and humans is, God gives, gives and forgives. But the human gets, gets, gets and forgets.
Be thankful in life...
If u think it is your alarm clock that woke you up this morning, try putting it beside a dead body and you will realise that it is the Grace of God that woke you up.
If you are grateful to God, forward this to all your friends to inform them that it is JUST BY THE GRACE OF GOD that we are alive.
...Nimecheka sana, hebu cheka na wewe..
Mganda akaleta machungwa akaambiwa ameze moja moja hadi yaishe bila kufumba macho, kucheka, wala kulia; akameza moja akaanza kulia, akapigwa risasi akafa.
Baada ya muda Mkenya akaja na zabibu akameza alipofika ya tisa akacheka, akauawa.
Walipofika kuzimu Mganda akamuuliza Mkenya, ulishindwa nini wakati matunda yako madogo? Mkenya akajibu, "Nilicheka kwa sababu Mtanzania alikuwa njiani anakuja na matikiti.
Njia rahisi ya kulifahamu kabila lako
kabila lako
1. Ukiona kila unapotaka kusema FANTA, unasema FANDA ujue una damu ya Kihehe
2. Ukiona kila unapotaka kusema SODA, unasema THODA ujue una damu ya Kipare
3. Ukiona kila unapotaka kusema KAFARIKI, unasema KAFWALIKI ujue una damu ya Kihaya
4. Ukiona kila unapotaka kusema CEILING BOARD, unasema SINGLIBODI ujue una damu ya Kichaga
5. Ukiona kila unapotaka kusema MTOTO, unasema NTOTO ujue una damu ya Kimakonde
6. Ukiona kila unapotaka kusema UJI, unasema UCHI ujue una damu ya Kikurya
7. Ukiona kila unapotaka kusema ANAKUJUA, unasema ANAKOJOA ujue una damu ya Kijaluo
8. Ukiona kila unapotaka kusema NYUMBA YETU, unasema NYUMBIYITU ujue una damu ya Kingoni
9. Ukiona kila unapotaka kusema CHAI YA MOTO, unasema KYAI KYA MOTO ujue una damu ya
Kinyakyusa
10. Ukiona kila unapotaka kusema TV, unasema TIWI ujue una damu Kihindi